


Out of Sync

by Vicemir



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Accepting, Asexual Character, Asexual Junhoe, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Failed Relationships, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Jinhwan is comforting, M/M, Members are much nicer than here I swear, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, happy end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 15:05:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15866076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vicemir/pseuds/Vicemir
Summary: Hanbin said “You’re wasting my time”.Bobby said “You’re like an alien”.Donghyuk said “Let’s talk, you need help”.Chanwoo said “I always liked you, Junhoe. It's a lie”.Yunhyeong said “Maybe you’re just straight”.And Jinhwan asked “Why did you never come to me?"He was out of sync with all of members, but Jinhwan tuned him the way Junhoe didn't feel like he was wrong or broken anymore.(turns out, there was such a way)





	Out of Sync

**Author's Note:**

> Asexual person is a person who doesn't feel sexual attraction or desire. Though some of asexuals can have sex or like it, Junhoe finds it disturbing in general.
> 
> I was reading other story about Junhoe seeking comfort in hugs but never admitting emotions and I was suddenly inspired to write a venting story in a similar way.

Junhoe was lonely. He auditioned and got invited to YG, which was a big awesome deal, but from now on, as he abandoned his school and home and was surrounded by the new unusual environment, he desperately missed his family and friends. Though he would never admit it out loud.

He trained, and grew up, and became even more lonely, in a different way.

His members were fine. It was fun preparing together for monthly evaluations, although tough dance practices always wore him out, because it felt like they never stopped practicing, no matter was it 10pm or 4am or whenever.

That’s how their leader was obsessed with getting better and making them idols.

Usually Junhoe was never one to back off in front of hardships. But when they were suddenly shoved into a survival program, made to compete against other trainees that were like brothers to them, and everyone in his team forgot what “sleep” meant but never forgetting about the ambulance that always waited outside of dance halls, he started to become upset and restless.

Other members dealt with the homesickness and their frustrations by talking to each other and cuddling.

But Junhoe couldn’t do neither. No talks. No cuddles.

So he just kept it in himself, always wearing a frown and firmly pressing his lips, longing for affection but not knowing how to ask.

How do you ask one to hold you together? How do you trust someone else with yourself? How can you expect someone to keep you motivated when the whole world falls apart as they win each round again and again but still always lose in the end voting? (they all just know it by the pitiful looks of the judges and hateful viewers comments they used to look up in web articles after each episode but eventually stopped)

 

Junhoe always admired Hanbin, from the very first day. The leader they all learned to trust, the talented genius that sacrificed his everything to make their team reach their goals, make them all better and ready to debut. Strict in the practice and recording rooms, but all smiley and clingy outside.

Junhoe didn’t even realize how he developed a crush on his friend. How eventually he couldn’t stop himself blurting out “hug me” when Hanbin was gripping on his shoulder too much, pressing his body too close, praising him for a good vocal recording. He immediately cursed his loose mouth for it.

Hanbin didn’t decline his request, though. In fact, he also longed for the affection whenever Junhoe hinted at it (still not being very good with words).

Except for those times when Junhoe didn’t.

Hanbin was all romantic with their dating – always sudden touches and words from doramas that made Junhoe actually blush.

And also words that kept him unsettling. Hugs that were becoming demanding. Cold hands worming up under his t-shirt, rubbing with expectation, causing a reaction that made Junhoe freak out. He didn’t even know why it was like this, but suddenly Hanbin became too much, too close, too whiny and needing.

Junhoe kept his leader’s mischievous hands in his grip, not sure if he wanted them on his body. He should be, right? Since they were dating. How can one not?

The dorm was silent in the middle of the night and Hanbin once again came home from studio, crawling into Junhoe's bed, waking him up and snuggling up to cuddle and rest. Junhoe had nowhere to go when a welcomed warm hug became hot and suffocating. So he held Hanbin's hands by the wrists and hoped to find a good reason to reject him. Like an early practice at 7am or something.

Although, he couldn’t even explain why did he want to reject the guy he had a big crush on since the first days. It confused him, and much more pain it was to hear the familiar voice sulking with frustration next to his ear.

Eventually Hanbin said “You’re wasting my time”.

Just like that, he left. He left his bed and Junhoe in perplexity and guilt, and their relationship strained and ended in a one simple moment.

 

They were always similar with Bobby. Same jokes, raspy voices and a bad guy image, always ready to fool around. Once Bobby shared with him the lines that he always made up randomly in his head.

Junhoe lazily listened to it, being in a mood for teasing.

“ _Come surf me baby_? Will you ever use this in a song? How do you even imagine that? People are not waves, Bobby-hyung, you can't surf them. ”

Bobby snickered, jabbing in his ribs. “I guess you’re too young to know that, brat!”

Junhoe snorted, not admitting the defeat, lowering his voice in a stubborn challenge. “Teach me then, you brat yourself”.

Bobby’s look turned mischievous, dark and bewitching. “Gotcha”.

It was both exciting and scary, how the rapper’s charisma could overflood his mind and body completely. Junhoe always froze whenever Bobby suddenly made provocative moves in the middle of their dance practice or grabbed his ass at night when they happened to cross paths in the kitchen, both craving for a night snack (Bobby craving for both snack and Junhoe)

Junhoe tried to respond to him too when the two were left alone in the room, tried on him all those mushy words or dirty lines he’s heard from Hanbin, and he has seen how Bobby’s look completely changed with lust from his deep voice, but for Junhoe these words always stuck in his mouth, feeling foreign and surreal, not fitting, not wanted to be said. Not having any meaning.

He managed to say “stop” when Bobby left a third hickey on his neck that somehow felt like a leash around his throat. Junhoe couldn’t help but think he was being strangled, although Bobby was all gentle and caring, maybe only a little too strong from the excited state he was in.

When he heard the stop word, all of Bobby's excitement quickly disappeared, unsatisfying, and once again Junhoe’s happiness popped and disappeared like a bubble as he watched his hyung humming in confusion and reluctantly pulling back.

Junhoe was afraid to meet Bobby since that time, because the guy always brought up that night, wanting to clear their intentions and not being able to shut up.

“I know it, no means no, but there are two in pair and you should respect my wishes too, right? I’m not asking for much anyway!”

“Why are you pushing me away?”

“Aren’t you selfish? We should find a compromise”

Not getting a clear reply, he accused Junhoe of always getting what he asked for and not willing to return back the favour. Bobby always asked why, determined to understand and fix the problem, but Junhoe closed himself off since he didn’t have an answer himself, even though he was desperately trying to fix the confused look in other’s eyes in some way too.

Eventually, they both gave up.

Bobby said “It won't work. You’re like an alien. I give up”.

It made relationship even more awkward between them. At least Bobby agreed to not tell anything to anyone, much to Junhoe’s relief. Everyone had survival to care about, so no one really noticed them suddenly stop talking and joking with each other.

Though, it was hard for Junhoe to forget about what Bobby told him when he refused to bring their fooling around to the next level and let him cover his body in passionate kisses.

"Stop making it a big deal, are you what, scary that much? You just have to try once. You asked me yourself to teach you! Just fake it as if you like it and roll with it, you'll get it. If not me, anyone in our team would lend you a hand. Just pretend you give at least one damn shit about other person, you ice prince".

So Junhoe tried to pretend.

 

He told Donghyuk he wanted to hold a hand first. He wouldn’t tell him about his mixed emotions, but he was happy to feel okay, giggling from the simple romantic touch.

Donghyuk was cheerful and thoughtful, always taking Junhoe’s emotions in consideration, making sure he’s not uncomfortable. He used to come and join him whenever he watched movies in a living room, Junhoe trying to make Donghyuk drink wine with him, other always rejecting with the loud laugh (and later taking a couple of sips, Junhoe promised he won’t tell older members about it).

Maybe Donghyuk pitied him, his knowing look sometimes pierced Junhoe through when they held hands under the blanket, the two lying on a sofa watching another melodrama. Junhoe pretended he didn’t notice the pitiful look because it hurt.

Donghyuk said “Let’s talk, I think you need some help”.

Junhoe wasn’t ready, he still couldn’t talk about his emotions but he talked, because he needed everything to go right and because an alcohol in his body and mind made him an unstoppable talker.

Donghyuk was eager to help Junhoe, even though Junhoe himself couldn’t tell if he even needed help. There was nothing to fix. He just didn’t need to take things so fast. Just a little bit slower.

But weeks came and went, they still were only holding hands, Donghyuk didn’t believe him anymore and Junhoe felt like their every movie date was a visit to psychiatrist.

Eventually, Donghyuk couldn't figure him out and Junhoe felt too dumb from all the frustration.

"That's a lost cause, Junhoe. Maybe you'll be okay once you have sincere strong feelings for someone" Donghyuk said with another pitiful look when they decided to break up too.

Will he ever be okay, though?

 

Junhoe knew a person that he had strong feelings for but it wouldn't help. Junhoe didn't want to screw up their bond as much as with the other members. But the loneliness still wore him off and the constant bad mood started to affect his energy on the practices. So eventually he tried to take it even more slowly. He wasn’t smart or anything, like Donghyuk, but he tried to analyze himself. To find what exactly was wrong with him. Because clearly... something must be wrong with him.

He had night movies and deep talks with Jinhwan, drinking and growing closer, but even drinking alcohol didn't make him crave doing something with his hyung. They got used to touch each other in some ways - with the comforting chin on the shoulder or a curious hand on the nape, brushing each other’s hair - and feelings were developed.

Strong crush and pleasant warmness in the racing heart that made Junhoe smile widely and give out twice as many jokes for his hyung. He opened up because Jinhwan was letting him do it, he soothed Junhoe's worries about survival competitions and dealt with him being homesick.

It was definitely more easy to touch a person he became so close to, and Junhoe wanted to touch him, to cuddle with him. But nothing more, and with time he started to worry that Jinhwan was probably interpreting him wrong as well.

His fears turned out to be true, when after their debut Jinhwan suddenly told Junhoe that the younger was touching him too much and asked him to tone it down since it was making hyung uncomfortable and wasn’t really appropriate for them.

So Junhoe had no other option but to bury his feelings as well, together with the need of being close to Jinhwan.

With the need of being close to anybody at all.

 

They debuted, and Junhoe was confident he came out a good singer. He just wasn't sure he was a decent person like everyone else around him was. He sang their “Apology” as it was his own song to everyone he let down, to all the people he had to push away, not being able to give them what they wanted, to stop his selfish behaviour.

It was truly hilarious to hear Hanbin praising him for the great and passionate singing that he did in this song; to get compliments from the amazed members when he cried in a music video clip filming for real. _At least,_ Junhoe thought, _my bitter gloomy self-consciousness is helpful for something._

Maybe he was indeed an alien, like Bobby said. Junhoe just didn't function like a normal person and he couldn't even understand himself, therefore he couldn't explain himself to others. He just shoved it all back deep inside every time. Every thought, every frustrated tear.

Like that time when he had his first kiss with Yunhyeong out of curiosity, back in the trainee days – Junhoe suggested it, asked for permission and initiated the kiss, but as soon as their tongues met – he hated it. Not the mere kiss but the disappointment that he felt in himself, expecting his first kiss to raise an awesome emotion, to be special as all the fairytales and stories said, to leave him breathless with butterflies dancing roomba in his stomach.

He did end up breathless, although the only emotion he felt was an overflowing guilt, when he had to admit with confusion: “Uh...I didn't feel anything. But don't think it's because of you, I like you! I guess I just don't like kissing.”

But still, he knew it was probably a really shitty thing to say, and Yunhyeong probably didn’t understand what Junhoe meant by these words, only being hurt by the upset voice of the younger and a failed kiss.

Junhoe kissed others six times more since then. Still no progress and no excitement. All fairytales books were burned down to the ground. The anger slowly build up in him as months passed.

 

Chanwoo wasn't even an option, since he was the youngest and Junhoe wouldn't want Chanwoo to deal with the mess he was. Being an observant kid though, Chanwoo still approached him with some shy smiles and jokes, pretending to have an interest in Junhoe.

Chanwoo said “I always liked you, Junhoe”.

"Cut the crap” Junhoe immedately told him, feeling extremely tired. “I know you only do this because you see how bad I am at hiding my awful mood and you already know what’s my problem because no one in this team can keep their damn mouths shut"

Chanwoo smirked and nodded, admitting the truth. Then he shrugged carelessly and offered Junhoe an ice cream he was holding in his hands. Smart kid. The sweet taste cooled Junhoe down so he hasn’t started to rile himself up in his mind again.

 

Still, Chanwoo might've said something to others, because the next time all members had movie night in the living room, Yunhyeong offered to spice it up a little bit and watch some erotic movies. By the jokes some of the members let out in agreement, they tried to figure out whether Junhoe just might be typically into girls.

Yunhyeong said “Maybe you’re just straight, that's why it doesn't work with any of us”.

Junhoe obediently watched a man and a girl exchanging cheese conversations, inevitably ending up taking clothes off each other – and that’s when Junhoe couldn’t help but wince, because watching the kissing and proceeding in details was making him very uncomfortable for some reason, but he couldn’t look anywhere else because he definitely felt the piercing glances other members were secretly taking at him.

When the movie ended, everyone looked at him with a badly hidden hope, and Junhoe felt desperately awful when bittersweet words fell out of his mouth.

“Too disturbing for my taste”.

With no response from others, he stood up and turned to look at his friends.

“Let's just drop this topic forever, will you? Maybe it's just too early for me to get involved with the relationships. I’m eighteen, not thirty or something!”. He brushed it off as calm as he could and headed to his room so no one would interrupt him with any other more wild or more weird experiments. Although no one could miss the hurt in Junhoe's voice, members agreed to keep it silent so it won't make Junhoe feel even worse.

But Junhoe already felt completely and utterly broken.

Everyone else just seemed to live in another world playing an enternaining game, when Junhoe probably overslept and missed all the rules. They must be altogether pulling a prank on him by saying “Look, this one is so hot I’d fuck them”. Was that some sort of an inside joke? It must be a joke, because what else it was?

He couldn’t understand, they said these things judging by what criterias? What should you feel to want something like this? Who do you have to be? How does one find another person hot at all? How do you enjoy a kiss?

(Donghyuk said “How do you not?” surprised when Junhoe asked him the same questions. They still haven’t came to a mutual understanding)

 

Junhoe definitely didn’t just miss the rules of the game but also was somehow excluded from all the player teams, while everyone else around mocked him for not playing at all.

He bought himself a long pillow to hug at night, because he had to admit one day that no one else would want to constantly cuddle him without making it awkward, and it was about the time for Junhoe to give up.

While everyone else moved on, seeking each other's company at night, Junhoe was locking himself up in his room, reading and writing poems, hundreds of them. It's the only thing that could get him occupied, safe from remembering all nights that he failed for others. He has been passionately filling his notebook with poems, page by page, while Jinhwan watched his melodramas with “hot” actresses, Donghyuk paired up like crazy with Bobby, Yunhyeong captivated Chanwoo and Hanbin started spending time on the studio dates with the other producer.

And Junhoe only had his lines full of bitterness and humility to keep him company and to fill his lonely heart. With the black ink he doodled dozens of thorns and broken mirrors, glasses of wine and merciless watching eyeballs in the corners of the pages, in between letters and suffocating emotions.

 _Pain isn't something that can be healed_  
_You just get used to it as the time passes_  
_Pain is always settled in the corner of our hearts_

He was obviously not okay, but he shoved it down in alcohol and poems because there was no other way.

There just simply wasn't.

 

Then Private Stage came, their meeting with fans, full of performances and games. Unfortunate loser as usual, Junhoe pulled a card that demanded for him to kiss every member in the cheek. His groupmates threw worrying glares at him but the situation was too good not to laugh, so they made a hilarious event out of it.

Junhoe surprisingly didn't mind kissing them all in the cheek – it was innocent and light, not like real kisses, and it was only for the stage, therefore no guilt of being forced to provide more serious things. But he still felt awkward and sorry, because once again it reminded him of how out of line he is. How out of sync he is with the rest of them and how disappointed they all were with him once.

Of course, it turned out to be awkward in every damn way he imagined, but he just let it go, as every single kiss and touch that bothered him before.

"Look, the most comfortable Junhoe was with Jinhwan-hyung", Hanbin laughed, later bringing the topic up when they came back home and were eating delivery food in the living room of a bottom dorm. Junhoe winced from a reminder.

"Yeah, it was so natural, you saw that too? Hey, why don't you guys try to date or something?" Donghyuk spoke absentmindedly as he scrolled through his Instagram feed, full of Private Stage's preview photos and videos of infamous Junhoe's kisses and hugs.

Junhoe rolled his eyes, forcing a laugh in his defence. "Stop being so gross, your optimism won't lead you anywhere." Members all laughed as he made it clear he didn't want to talk about it, dropping the topic and teasing each other with other photos.

But the next night when he came to Jinhwan's room to watch some movies with alcohol, the older guy unexpectedly brought it up again.

"I'm the only one you still haven't tried to be with. Why?"

Junhoe was taken aback, the glass of whiskey stopped near his lips.

"I already told you all to drop the topic." he said, voice tired. Jinhwan stared at him with an unreadable look, pressing further. “There must be a good reason, June-ya. I know you the best, and you never came up to me with this.”

 _Because I feel like I'm already really close to you and I don’t want to fuck it up and I know I will_ , Junhoe thought with a painful smile, looking at Jinhwan, trying to brush the topic off, but the atmosphere didn’t help. Especially when Jinhwan brought himself closer, watching Junhoe carefully, longing for the answer – or showing a desire to take his chance.

There was a spark of a moment. Something from those burned fairytales. Junhoe felt his face heating up, and maybe it's the whiskey that made him lower his shield, made his desperation drive his actions. He put the glass down, looked at Jinhwan's questioning eyes and realised hyung must be thinking about the same thing. So when Jinhwan made a little nod, keeping his eyes on him, Junhoe leaned, closing the gap between them.

Jinhwan moaned when their lips met and then parted, tongues gently touching each other, moving, and Junhoe finally shut his eyes.

They were kissing for so long he couldn’t even imagine but it felt like eternity, until Jinhwan softly gasped and separated himself from Junhoe, gently taking his hands and looking up at him with the glassy eyes and emotional look.

"How... did it feel, June-ya?"

 _It was amazing._ Junhoe desperately wanted to pretend and say it was amazing. He wanted it so, so much, so bad. But it was still nothing. His old feelings for Jinhwan that he buried long time ago resurfaced, made his merciless heart long again for the protective and gentle but at the same time fierce and passionate hyung, yet there was still no exciting sensation of their kiss being "the moment" that every story or movie spoke about. He felt...nothing but the wet and almost meaningless kiss. Nothing that he looked for. Nothing that everyone else seemed to be enjoying.

Junhoe knew he was supposed to get excited now, to crave more, what’s that, pin Jinhwan to the comfortably lying duvet on his bed and bite Jinhwan's lips with the lustful look (Junhoe already earned a moan from hyung, meaning he could be good if he practiced). But he still didn't want to, and that was the problem. He didn't want Jinhwan. He loved him for a long time but kissing him for more than a minute was boring as hell and felt weird.

Junhoe could've forced it out of him, could pretend, "fake it like it wasn’t a big deal", but it _was_ a big deal for him, it would be against his own will to live the lie. And his big dumb pride wasn't letting him do anything against his will. Was he really... that selfish? Even now? Even with Jinhwan?

He felt a painful throb in his chest, felt a lump in the throat, felt a chill on both arms and a shameful heat of the ears again – he felt everything that made him as broken as he obviously was.

Junhoe didn't realise there were tears in his eyes when he pulled back. He just watched Jinhwan raising hand to brush away the teardrop that somehow escaped from his eyelashes to his cheek. It was enough to get him startled, and he immediately threw himself on the side of the bed, face down in the pillow, hiding and not wanting for anyone to witness his embarassing truth.

That there was no magical cure for him in the whole world at all.

Even the strong feelings he had all those years for Jinhwan were no cure, as if they existed separately from Junhoe when they kissed. His last string was torn to the ground and stomped on. Crushed to the dust.

He felt it as Jinhwan carefully placed his hand on Junhoe's vividly trembling back, not knowing what caused the reaction and what should he do. _Of course you wouldn't know what to do, I'm the only one fucked up here_ , Junhoe thought, eyes closed, pressing his face harder into the hands that squeezed pillow and wishing to never to see the light of the day ever again.

Screw Donghyuk and all of his psychotherapeutic shit. Junhoe had no hope left now.

He was twenty, still lonely and now broken-hearted and broken-minded.

Eventually he’ll learn to live with that, too.

 

Jinhwan chuckled somewhere above Junhoe’s head, rubbing soothing circles on his back. “At least tell me you like cuddles, please. We cuddled a lot back in the days. I hope you enjoyed it, didn’t you?”

There was no offence or accusation in his voice, and that somehow felt weird for Junhoe. Jinhwan wasn’t angry at his attitude, at screwing things up. How could he not be angry, though? If he was Jinhwan, he would end the night with Junhoe right here, like everyone else did. He couldn’t process it so he thought about something that was easy to find answer to at the moment.

“I like cuddles", admitted Junhoe, suddenly going red, even though it couldn’t be seen. "I just can't ask for them because it would mean I'd owe something more that just a hug".

"That's not true!" Jinhwan protested, being protective hyung as he was. "You don't owe anyone sex or kiss or anything else all the time. Hug is just a hug!"

Junhoe bitterly laughed, abruptly sitting up and staring at Jinhwan with red eyes. "Do you really believe what you say, hyung? That one time I tried to only cuddle with Hanbin, he accused me of wasting his time. Like I was obviously giving him hope but ended up giving nothing in return. As if I did. And Bobby suggested me faking the interest and roll with it so we would satisfy both of our needs. He called me selfish for not being obedient, not willing to compromise. And Donghyuk admitted I was a lost cause. So tell me, Jinan, do you really think that I’m allowed to ask for a simple hug, not hurting anyone? Do you think that I'm good enough for you or any of them? Or anyone at all? Because I already know that I'm not, and nothing will ever change that. So I don't want to waste your time as well".

Junhoe was panting from a long speech. He usually talked a lot more but he never went this far in opening and expressing himself, always struggling with words and explanations, but Jinhwan understood his complex personality more than anyone and Junhoe could only hide the raw pain in his chest for so long. He was about to stand up and leave the room in hurry (it became suffocating being in here anyway), but Jinhwan caught him by the wrist with his small fingers and pulled him back down. Junhoe could’ve easily break his grip but he didn’t and he hated himself for it.

“The guys didn’t mean to offend you, I hope you know that” Jinhwan told him with the look Junhoe couldn’t decipher yet but it wasn’t the pity or the annoyance, so he stayed, swallowing his big damn pride. “They do care about you and they wanted to be close with you but they just can’t understand how you work, since you’re quite different from all of us.”

“Not exactly the words that make me happy, hyung” Junhoe let out another bitter laugh. Jinhwan rolled his eyes but let his brash words slip.

Jinhwan said “I didn’t mean it in the bad way, you brat, just as a matter of fact. I hope you won’t at least deny that I’m the only one in our group who actually understands you more than you’re willing to show us? But you never once thought that I could help you understand how you work. That I would want to help you, June-ya. You seek answers from others but you never came to me. Why’s that?”

Jinhwan asked “Why did you never come to me? I can understand and accept you”.

Junhoe blinked. He struggled with words, although he felt like the accusation wasn’t there to make him feel guilty but to teach him some sort of a lesson or to provide a comfort in a way he couldn’t grasp yet. Maybe he’ll get it later. Or maybe he should finally stop hoping for a happy end, after all these times.

Anyway, he just told Jinhwan the truth.

“You told me to stop touching you after we debuted. So I put a veto on any thought of you or my feelings whatsoever”.

“What a fool.” Jinhwan paused, thinking about something, and eventually sighed, fidgeting with Junhoe’s fingers in his hand. “I only told you to stop touching me _so much_ , because you were a kid, a kid that fell in love to be precise, and I saw it so I didn’t want to mess with your heart when you should’ve been focusing on your career. So that’s my fault, not admitting the presence of my own feelings for you. I guess I didn’t know back then that you wouldn’t want much anyway.” Jinhwan sheepishly smiled.

 

Junhoe didn’t know what to say as his world has turned upside down. He wanted to tell Jinhwan that he’s sorry, but it didn’t feel right coming after a confession like that.

After waiting a minute for the reply that never came, Jinhwan raised his arm in the silent offer. He approached Junhoe like a caged animal that wasn’t used to love touches (and to admit quite frankly, he wasn’t). Like if Junhoe was about to bite his hand as he bites everyone else’s.

No, Junhoe was already too confused and tired from all the biting and disappointment in his life so he gave up. Jinhwan leaned closer and Junhoe braced himself before he would drop all his shields and lose his pride and everything that held him together.

 

He lied down, facing the wall, and Jinhwan hugged him from behind, shielding from the rest of the world with his small frame and warm heart.

Junhoe was tense, expecting usual moves of seducing, but Jinhwan kept his arms still, respecting any set boundaries.

He was taming Junhoe, but with the trust.

Jinhwan whispered to him that this was more than he could ask for and he could work with needing more – after these words he shifted the lower body back from him, setting an uncomfortable pause, and Junhoe knew this is where things should get ugly, but Jinhwan brushed his hair with his fingers, not mentioning anything, so he stopped freaking out.

 

Eventually Jinhwan risked to ask Junhoe for another kiss – but this time he just carefully pressed lips against his, tender feather feeling, not expecting anything from Junhoe other than a simple warm touch and closeness. No wet tongue, no force and passion, just an innocent but still intimate kiss, expressing their silent gratitude towards each other.

That somehow felt much more comfortable. It was enough for Junhoe to feel loved and at the same time safe. Junhoe breathed out for a long time since he held the air inside of him, as if he found back the last string of hope that was still strung weakly in his young romantic heart. Not a snapped string that would leave him more scars.

“Was it okay?” Jinhwan carefully asked when he pulled back.

It took Junhoe some time to come up with words, after analyzing his inner feelings, already scattered from all the stress and emotions.

“This one was okay”. Finally, he answered, shy and embarrassed.

Jinhwan nodded in relief. “Good, I won’t do more than that if you let me do it at all”.

Junhoe nodded too, turning back and settling himself with the same relief in the other’s embrace once again.

The room went silent and peaceful, as was the guy in it that let himself have a piece of happiness and trust for once.

"Will you really settle down for this?" Junhoe asked after a long time cuddling together with Jinhwan in the bed, not wanting to give his voice too much hope and desperation, but Jinhwan didn't miss it anyway. He chuckled softly in the back of younger's neck.

"Well, there's only one thing that I'd like to change..." He made a pause but obviously felt how Junhoe's body immediately went tense in his arms, ready to fight or flight, and stopped with the teasing. "Next time you'll be the big spoon, alright?"

Junhoe let out a loud sigh, smiling widely for the first time since ever, and put his hands on Jinhwan’s arms that hugged him from behind. "That, I could do for you, shortie".

He got punched by a small fist in his shoulder, but somehow it made him happier than any kiss in his life.

 

**Epilogue**

 

“Hyung. You always try so hard to show your sexy image, trying to seduce everyone and all. What if I don’t think about you as a hot and sexy?” Junhoe suddenly asked when they both almost fell asleep.

“Oh my god, what a shame!” Jinhwan rolled his eyes again, chuckling as he nuzzled into Junhoe's nape. “I guess I’ll just have to seduce the rest of the world to make up for one rude you who can’t even spare his crush a compliment”.

“No-no! Don’t seduce others!” Junhoe actually panicked, lifting his head up and turning with a worried look. “I could call you sexy a hundred times if you like it, sure. Just don’t leave me.”

“Good boy”, Jinhwan beamed bright with the smile, and Junhoe hated this cheeky hyung (not at all).

“Also get rid of that pillow of yours, June-ya, you won’t need it anymore.”


End file.
